I can be happier with you, because I’m happiest alone
the journey from codependence and uncertainty to independence + self-trust
san diego, ca 2024
You may have heard my voice, but they weren’t my words.
This has always been my life, but I haven’t always been truly present within it. At one point, I was basically a culmination of the thoughts and feelings of those around me. An impressionable mold carved into a creation of influence, only knowing how I thought and felt about anything after being told how I should.
I wasn’t seeing the world through my own eyes, and in some instances I wasn’t seeing the world at all. Being highly dependent on the presence of others in order to go where I wanted, if no one was available to be my company, I simply would not go.
And I’m not sure what made me realize how much of myself was missing from my own life - maybe the development of my frontal lobe. But once I realized that I reached for others before looking inside myself, I couldn’t unsee it.
I couldn’t ignore the fact that I didn’t know who I was. I tried searching inside for answers - checking for clues to lead me toward how I truly felt and what I truly thought but I turned up uncertain. The only discovery was the fact that I never really gave myself the opportunity to consider my own position about the world and where I was within it, because I always ran straight to others to tell me how I should and should not feel.
And besides needing the insights of others, always needing their presence to do and go where I wanted would result in frustration when they would or could not make themselves available.
The sensitivity I grew to people and their general flakiness created lasting disappointment rather than just a fleeting annoyance. Because if they couldn’t go, I couldn’t go either. I allowed it to make me miss out on experiences, and grew resentment for everyone in the process.
And being “stood up” by people so many times landed me at a crossroads: do I keep missing out on living life continuing to wait on others, or do I figure out how to grow independent and hold full control of my quality of life?
andee walker, 2021
What was stopping me from venturing out on my own?
Fear and safety. Uncertainty.
Concerns that being out alone would attract more unwanted attention than when with others. And having never done it, I didn’t know how it would be. Awkward? Lonely?
I needed to consider what is required in order to get past this. Realizing it was a matter of being smart. Ensuring I bump up my alertness and add additional layers of security - I might be pocket-sized but it’s never giving “sweet lick”: Confident demeanor, focused stride, full awareness, and of course, small but mighty defenses like pepper spray in hand, keys between fingers, etc.
And the uncertainty? I won’t know until I do it and all I can do is try to be prepared for whatever worries me most: having something to keep my hands occupied, a goal in mind to prevent overthinking, and remembering that a majority of everyone else is more concerned about how they’re being perceived than actually perceiving me.
And if anyone is scanning the room looking for a lone human to judge, they are choosing to revolve their life experience around you, which is pretty damn lame.
In doing this work, I reached a point where I wanted nothing more than to truly learn who I am. From the surface to the depths. When someone isn’t convincing me that I should be bothered, am I still? When someone isn’t insisting that something isn’t a big deal, do I still feel that way?
I traveled from one extreme, overly dependent on the insights of others, to the other extreme, completely uninterested in what anyone else had to say and obsessed with my own outlook. Then it just became about balance:
Consulting with myself first, determining my outlook and if presented with the perspective of others, discerning whether it’s educational enough to influence the conclusions I’ve already made.
Becoming my own woman with my own unique thoughts, strong opinion, and thirst to learn that would craft the lens through which I would see the world.
san diego, ca 2024
And by challenging myself to face the fears and uncertainty of venturing out into this world alone, I forced myself into discomfort. I didn’t know it yet, but solo travel would become the training ground where I learned to turn that discomfort into expansion. I went from not being able to sit alone at happy hour in the city in which I lived to wandering around cities I’d never been to, having dinner, enjoying concerts, and falling in love with my own company.
I grew completely independent, no longer relying on others, barely even desiring additional company in my pursuits. Flakiness no longer mattered because their presence didn’t make a difference. Going alone became the default, and if someone else could come then great, but if not, the show would go on. No worries. No love lost.
And that removal of dependency created space for more genuine understanding and appreciation of the people around me.
Their advice wasn’t needed in order for me to make decisions. Their presence wasn’t needed in order for me to live fully. So a lack of either no longer stunted or frustrated me. The [admittedly quite selfish] need for them to play a key role in the quality of my life was no longer there. They can do what they want and what they can, and we can show up for each other in whatever healthy capacity we all have.
Allowing yourself to be your own independent entity is the best thing you can do for yourself. Welcome relationships, thrive in connection with others but continue to thrive without them. Allow them to be exactly as they are, which is not a controlling factor of your life, but rather a beautiful, meaningful addition.
I am my longest and strongest relationship. My most valued and cherished connection, and the one that makes my own life truly worthwhile.
I am whole and happiest in my own company, so anyone invited in is truly valued. No one is here out of necessity, and I don’t inquire about their perspective with the hopes that it will contribute to the formation of my own. I just want to learn about and appreciate who they are in the same ways I now love to learn about and appreciate myself. And that is what real, meaningful connection is all about.
-A
